Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Circus Misfits.

Curiosity leads, but thirst becomes desperate. A new understanding I face, a new thirst I will quench in an unsuspected way.

"As I walk up to the tent overwhelmed with its size, recollecting my thoughts of how when I was young I would wonder and wonder how they managed to get this white and red striped tent so high. I imagined I would have an answer to this question one day, but even with all I now know this tent lifted so high amazes me. It seems to almost defy gravity from my perspective on the ground. Something that massive shouldn’t be able to stand with so few poles.

Overtaken I was with the amazement of this difficult to categorize sort of structure, but really consider it, a tent is not a building, but when you enter in you are in a new world that is separated by only thin fabric. After thoroughly over processing the existence of the structure before me, I slowly proceed forward. Before stepping inside to see the craziness that I anticipate to come, I treat myself to one last glance at what the outside contains. My memory seems to serve me wrong as before I saw this wasteland as a wellspring it now only looks like what it is-- a wasteland. When did my eyes open up? Suddenly I can’t even taste the memories of joy this desert brought to me. Now I thirst for water, but the only answer anywhere is this tent. This Circus tent is my answer. This surprises me as it doesn’t even seem that appealing either, but I see that is my only option. I whisper, "yes," in agreement that it must be better than what I am leaving behind. To remain in a wasteland or to proceed into something that the world has deemed as a freak show in this moment my mind debates its options. I guess I have chosen freak show over complacency. The trade didn’t seem all that empowering, but this is when trust becomes the greatest must. I have run out of options and my throat runs dry. If the only ones to help me have three arms or are mustached women, so be it.

I lift up the flap expecting weight, but quickly realize the weight has already left back in the desert in my indecisive state.  Entering in, easier than expected. I see them performing for no crowd. My heart clings automatically to two quick emotions the first is the one that the world left on me as an impression to feel. The resounding gong of voices from memories past scoff at them assuming they are not talented due to their lack of interested audience members.  The second emotion is the one I commit to, but must fight for to remain. I struggle to silence the emotion first heard in my head to hear clearly what really needs to be said, for their sake. They are deserving and talented. Being silenced by voices that speak what they don’t know. Unaware that their talent is valid, it’s creative, it’s new. These remain empty because someone spoke negatively and it caught like a fire that burns rather than the fire that could ignite a change. One fire brings life. One fire brings pain. As I sit alone observing I yell at the words of the world in my head and say, “NO MORE.” I decide I am in I support them. As I sit alone in the corner I say it out loud. “I support them. They are capable. They are talented.” I slip a small smile as hope escapes my lips. The light suddenly spotlights me. In fear I begin to mutter into silence instead of strengthening what I have just decided. They look at me in unbelief. Hope long gone, but joy is not lost in their eyes. Then one walks forward. They know in their hearts they can do it, but their fear is the outside. The outside doesn’t allow their innermost thoughts of capability to be set free. To allow an insider in and tell them they can is nowhere in their plan. They have become content with remaining silent. The one that walks forward is the only performer who trusts me. Everyone looks at me assuming I’ll run back to where everyone else had come and run back to from. He hands me three balls and nods in approval. He knows I’m ready. I’ve stayed and I’ve come. A thousand thoughts then silence, as I stand up. Awkward and slow I throw each ball in the air. I looked at them in disapproval when I walked in the door. I assumed they were bad because they had no audience, but at least they were doing it here I am fearful in front of them stumbling through it. My own talent I hide to judge others acting like I’m on the inside, when really I am just like them. I am them. It dawns on me. It is my own fear I must overcome to take confidence in my ability and drop what the world would think if I joined this circus. The circus seems weird, crazy and strange, but what if it was my calling. What if no one understood would I still stand center stage? It hits me, light bulb of the mind. I look them in the eyes jump the barrier face the empty crowd. I shout, “I’m in!” and I begin to juggle again."

As I began I was just observing, but now I remain a deserving circus character. 

As I reflected on what this meant to me I realized he did this for me. Jesus was God, but he left his position to look like a human. He spent time understanding our culture, as he joined us even when no one believed him he knew who He was. He sacrificed what the world thought of Him to fight for the side that would win.

We are the misfits. We are the crazies. Our talents are hidden. We fear the world, but make fun of those who are doing it. Yah, but at least they are doing it. Why aren’t you doing it? What is holding you back? If Jesus can sacrifice his Godly status in heaven to be like us to understand and to give it all up and die can’t you say yes to who you were always meant to be? You’re going to love it anyway. No reason to hold back your outcome ends in a win not in a cross, and grave dying for everyone else’s sin.

I was always meant for this I can't even try to deny it.

Amber Marie meaning a precious jewel in the sea of bitterness. He knew my name and He meant it on purpose. I step out. I’ll pursue it. I’ll do it. What is your dream that you’re hiding? Lets bring the misfits together and create a new endeavor. Even if our only audience is him I perform to my very best. 

Send me to the circus even if I am alone, if the world doesn’t get it, I am not really on my own. He laid it all out for me to be totally free, I’ll lay it all out for him acknowledging I may not always win, but the end is already done in this new race of creative unafraid misfits abandoned I run. 

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